CrazyMrsNancy.com

These are my answers to questions in a current discussion on my favourite online hangout. These questions stem from Jodee Blanco's book "Please Stop Laughing at Me", which I've just finished reading yesterday. I don't normally talk about this, it's in my past, and I even actively try to forget it. I don't know if I'm going to delete this soon after I post it, but for now I'm posting it because I think that it's important to stop being in denial about bullying and how truly lasting its effects are. Also, someone that I really truly like as a human being, admire and respect, told me that they were also bullied as a child; that confession, along with this book's recommendation from Rebecca are making me want to post these answers (to questions also from Rebecca) here.

Were you ever bullied?
*** Yes, from the moment that I could understand things (3-4 years old) until high school. The adults in my life were the same way as they are in Jodee Blanco's book. "Kids will be kids.", "Don't be a snitch Nancy.", "You can't blame them, it's your own fault for being fat.", are all things that the adults in my life would say when I came home crying. I don't believe they meant to hurt me (scar me for life) on purpose, I just think (hope) it was ignorance. Maybe except my cousin's fiancee who told me repeatedly "No one will ever want to be your friend or your boyfriend when you're older if you don't stop eating, Nancy." I was around 5-6 years old, crying because no one would ever be my boyfriend, because I couldn't resist eating the same things that all the adults in my life were buying and eating and feeding me. [She never ended up marrying my cousin. He cheated on her with her best friend. She is 40ish now and not married.] My mother was ashamed to be seen at the mall with me. She would angrily whisper "Suck your belly in", every 3 minutes. I was about 10 years old, feeling like a disappointment to everyone and a failure because not only was I fat, I couldn't continually suck my belly in for eternity. I am now 31 years old and just slowly NOW beginning to believe that I do deserve to be as happy and as worthy as anyone else. Elementary school was the absolute worst. The kids at school made me feel like a monster. Screamed it and yelled it at me. I was always fat, an abomination according to them. Those kids' parents were also mean. "Nancy, mommy said that I can't pick you as my friend to come to the beach with us, because she says you take up too much room in the car." I would get home from school and typically went for the fridge right away. My only comfort at the time.

Were you a bully?
*** I was struggling with exactly the same thing Jodee Blanco was in the book; because I was SO desperate to not be the MOST bullied kid in school, when for a brief moment the other kids' attention turned to another 'reject', I joined in passively. Like that time that the ENTIRE school started following this one kid around the recess yard. If I were him, I would have just started crying. The teachers didn't come to his rescue, I can't imagine why. Instead, this poor kid with messy hair (before it was cool and on purpose), thick eyeglasses, elastic bottom jogging pants, and velcro shoes stopped walking away from the mob. He stood there, still, with his back to us, for what seemed like 2 whole minutes. Then he slowly turned around, he closed his eyes, and he did the famous Karate Kid move. OMG... It's just as hilarious as it is sad hehe. It was a hit, he wasn't bullied nearly as much after his Karate Kid performance. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop being fat.

Thoughts/comments?
*** I think that Jodee Blanco is extremely courageous and very strong for writing this memoir. I have spent my whole life trying to forget big chunks of my past. Today, there are things about my past that I can recall so vividly, that it feels like I can smell the memory... but there are also little bits of my past that I can't recall at all.
 

You communicate through creativity

You think of art as a means of reaching out to others but, at the same time, you use it as a shield to some extent. It’s a way of participating in society, in a community. It’s the way you communicate with others and the way they can communicate with you. Seen in this light, creativity provides the basic materials to build a bridge between you and other people, so you can’t think of it as something that lies outside your relationship with others. You like the attention and good opinion of others. When you show people what you’ve made — a birthday cake, or a piece of music you’ve written — it’s your baby, so you are very sensitive about any criticism. You need to be able to distance yourself from the result, and allow others to enjoy it and feel part of it, without it reflecting on you alone. Your creativity allows you (or would allow you) to feel part of the world. You’ve got an inner exhibitionist and you think that this strengthens your relationships. What you really want is for others to see the good in you. You prefer to get on the stage than stay in the wings analysing your inner life (although you do that, too). So let the show begin, but make sure your life doesn’t depend on the applause.

What's your creative style?

A quickie, mostly copied from what I just wrote on my secret online hangout: 

I'm loving my birthday weekend! So far :

Thursday night : Met up with a friend and drove to the boonies to watch the Perseids meteor shower without the city's light pollution. It was quite the adventure! So worth it though. Highlights include 2 men falling in a ditch, followed by 2 men holding my hands and me consequently feeling like a princess, pitch darkness, cell phones used as flashlights, 3 grown people in a wet field, 2 in director chairs and one in a zero gravity chair, 3 cameras and 3 tripods. Many many laughs.  We were starved so we stopped at McDonald's (drive-thru) for a snack around 3am, drove home, then .. you know..... went to sleep at 4am!! Who does that, on a weeknight? I DO! I'm so glad that Steph came along just to be nice. (But once he was there and that we saw teh biggest, brightest shooting stars EVER, he was glad he came.) Woke up at 7am this morning for work! Gah! It's 2am right now and I dont know why i'm not yet in a coma.

Tonight (Friday : Dinner & a movie - Eat Pray Love. I think that the book was definitely overrated, but I love Julia Roberts, it came out on my actual birthday, and Pearl Jam is on the soundtrack, so that was my pick :) Can I just say that I LOVED receiving Facebook birthday wishes allllllll day long? They started coming last night during the night under the stars, and my Blackberry kept buzzing all day long, warming my heart every time.

Tomorrow : Beach day all day, then we come home, get ready, and go to a beach party on another beach at night. 100% beach day! How awesome is my husband to again, agree to this crazy plan hehe. They're calling for 26C, zero clouds, bright sun!! WOOP!

Sunday : Is probably when I should hopefully not be too hungover, and come back to reality; Catch up on laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc. :)

Sometimes it's easy to forget how far we've come. Last weekend I was looking through my collection of little boxes; the little metal or wooden boxes that we bring back from various places we have visited. I was looking for the second earing in my pair of tiny gold hoops that go in my right ear's cartilage. I take off my earings every night before bed, and I love picking out a pair of earings in the morning to wear with my outfit du jour, but the tiny gold hoop always stays. I only take it off when I go to the hair salon. I've had my little hoop flung from my ear by a comb, more than once. It's not that pleasant. I managed to lose my little hoop at, or after my last hair appointment, that's why I was searching for the second little hoop, to replace it with.

I never found the little gold hoop, but in my Lebanon wooden box (Father in law brought it back from Lebanon for me, since he knows I love little boxes.) were our original wedding bands! I pried(pryed?) the lid open, and looked at them for a full two seconds before my brain registered what they were. Steph changed his wedding band a LONG time ago now, when his became way too big. I only changed mine a year or two ago! How could I forget so fast? Maybe it's because I love love love my new wedding band, because it's smaller, fits better, and complements my engagement ring so much more than my old band.

Since we have both regained a LOT of the weight that we had lost 2 years ago (2 YEARS AGO!?), it's easy to forget that we still have come a long way. I bash myself for having regained 70lbs back, and I tend to forget that I still have 70lbs lost and kept off! I reached in the little box for his ring, and I asked him if he would marry me. He said: "I can't, look, it falls off." Then I tried on my original wedding band.. Slides right off. Wow.

But sometimes, I wonder how far I've really come, when it's 7pm on a Tuesday disguised as a Monday, and I'm sitting here, 10 days away from being 31 years old, with my chosen vice, listening to some really loud Disturbed, because it's been that kind of ass kicking day?

Nancy says (9:09 PM):
 do you care what I make for lunch tomorrow?
Nancy says (9:10 PM):
 is that 500 calories with or without oil ?
 (I wont put any)
[You have just sent a nudge.]
Steph says (9:31 PM):
 I'm not sure if it includes oil
 wraps?
Nancy says (10:18 PM):
 you took too long to reply, now you have to eat what I made
Steph says (10:31 PM):
 ah yeah what's that
Nancy says (10:32 PM):
 sauteed boogers in a bed of snot
Steph says (10:33 PM):
 Sounds like what I put in your coffee every morning 
Nancy says (10:34 PM):
 PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTT

• This morning, as we were getting dressed, Steph accidentally farted right in front of the fan, and it blew right in my face. Nassstay! (The fart was intentional, the unfortunate location and direction of the fart was accidental.) I made a show of dramatically flopping on my back, on the bed, getting the dogs all excited in the process. It was hilarious and we laughed a lot. We always laugh a lot. :)
• Today, I totally stuffed them. I wore one of my new pairs of shoes today. It was only once I got to work and had walked about 100 ft. in them that I realized that my shoes were too big. They were quite literally, falling off my feet. I couldn't spend the rest of the day sounding like a horse trotting in the hallways, so I stuffed kleenex in the toes of my shoes. That wasn't even enough, so I later added wads of folded brown paper towels too. I'm hoping that buying gel insoles remediates the problem. I really like those shoes. I'm such a Madden Girl :) 
• It's blueberry season at Costco and in my mouth!! Enough said.

On my favourite secret online hangout (discussion forum), someone asked this: 
Name 10 people you would invite! They have to be alive!

Here's what I answered:

Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam front man), because just hearing his voice makes me melt.

Oprah (I'm pretty sure you know who she is), because I like the idea of 'living your best life'.

Nick Vujicic (That guy with no limbs in the famous videos), One of the most inspiring persons I've ever seen/heard. Wow.

Louise Hay (You Can Heal Your Life), to thank her.

Mike Holmes (The home reno show guy), so that he can fix a few things after dinner! lol

Celine Dion (Canadian singer), I don't care what you think, I idolize her. And I think that it's a shame that I had to closet my Celine Dion appreciation for YEARS! Because I wasn't comfortable being ridiculed for it.

Jeremy Piven (Ari Gold on Entourage), Huge crush on Ari Gold. I would ask him to stay in character, please.

One of my exes. A specific one. I would apologize profusely for the way I behaved back then. It's the worst thing I've ever done to anyone, and he's the guy who deserves it the least. I think I'm a good person, I don't know what overcame me... possibly a mixture of college, alcohol, weed, and just plain naïveté. I was 18 or 19, I had no idea how rare people like him are.

Dave Wirtschaffer (President of Wonderbra), to make my case for fat girls with little boobs. I KNOW I can't be the only fat girl with IBT's, why can't they make a good bra (or two) for us! Seriously! Just take a regular 36C bra, elongate and widen the band, and voila! That's all we want! Or make a 44 -B (that's negative B) if you must! (All other garment companies - you can continue with your vanity sizing, I really don't mind!)

A random New Yorker. One with a good New Yorker accent, and good New York stories.
 

After a pretty good but IBS charged first week at my new job, I had a beautiful, relaxing weekend! Did I tell you that my IBS was sooo bad on Wednesday, that I had to call in sick, on my third day at the new job? Ugh! It's the first time it's happened to me (this bad) since I started working there on March 1st. It hurt so bad, all I could do was lie in bed and alternate between sleeping and reading the entire day. Until 5pm. I really needed this weekend to recharge. Saturday was my favourite kind of summer day - BRIGHT blue skies, hot, and a little windy. Perfect for lounging on the deck, reading a good book. I just finished Middlesex. I think it's the best book I've read in a while. Sunday, we spent almost the entire day at the beach! We had a fried clam platter as big as our heads at l'Aboiteau, on the beach.

It's such a small world...

1 - While floating in the water and doggie paddling, I made a friend whose husband also preferred staying on shore. We started talking and found out that her and her husband have actually worked with my mom up north and know her.

2 - When getting out of the Aboiteau, stuffed with fried clams, we hear a voice "Hey, were you guys in Mexico in February? You were on our flight!" (The woman was sitting with me and Steph,and her husband was sitting a row behind us.)  

Weird! 

Here's to getting the hand of my new job a little better this week, or at least figuring out what the hell I'm doing!! No, honestly, I think that I'm going to like it. I know I'll be fine. I'll just be really happy to have a routine again.

It's 11:00 AM. I'm sitting at my desk, trying to decide if going to the washroom now would be a good time investment. By the internal rumblings shaking my internal organs, I know that going to my floor's washroom would be a complete waste of time. That washroom is nearly impossible to get to myself. No matter if it's 8:30AM or 6:30PM, there's almost always someone else in there. The second floor washroom is a safer bet, but it is still my employer's floor, so I do know people on that floor... and let's face it, I always look at the shoes, I'm sure a lot of you do too. AND, I've met third floor coworkers in the second floor's washroom. Oh Hi!, Let's pretend that we both have no idea what the other is doing here!

The BEST place to drop a log in the building is in the public washrooms near the fountain, on the first floor. An access pass is required to go in, so they're pretty clean. Even if someone walks in mid-fart and sees my shoes, chances are pretty slim that we actually work for the same employer and that they recognize my shoes. 

But sometimes, you just know it's not an anonymous fart kind of day. You can tell by the rumblings that no one else should be subjected to the sound of that relieving tooting.

Beep.
I open the door to the almost secretive washrooms hidden in plain sight. I slide in and I grab the 'automatic assisted' door behind me to swing it shut, to keep the muggles out. I always do that. I walk the long hall, reach the ladies room, enter, do my usual 'stall feet in the mirror' check... DAMN. White sandals. The type your grandmother would wear.

Okay. Don't panic. You haven't come alllllllll this way to leave without deflating. I walk to the corner stall. I sit down; I hold it in. Why isn't she flushing already? She's been here longer than I have! 

[Perfect Silence]

[One minute, two minutes, three minutes, four minutes...]

A third party enters the ladies washroom. She's intruding on a washroom standoff (sitoff?) and she doesn't even know it. When she flushes, I decide to go for it: Toot. Only it wasn't. Apparently I'm a very calm and relaxed person in a washroom standoff type of situation; I PFFFFFFF'ed. That was it. So I decided to let her win. I exited the stall, washed my hands very loudly...She would enjoy that. Nothing is worse than not being entirely sure if you've heard your adversary leave or not. The washroom door hadn't even finished closing behind me as I heard it. She definitely deserved that win.
acant washroom.