CrazyMrsNancy.com

I'm so freakin' happy right now! It's a (very) crisp, sunny, blue sky autumn day. There's only me and Paul in the office right now and I don't have anything pressing to do. I'm listening to my favorite songs of the moment on repeat on grooveshark. It's so good for my soul. I'm drinking coffee with no cream, because we ran out and we're all feeling lazy apparently. But it's okay, I don't need the cream. I like it, but I don't need it. Calories to spare later in the day hehe. I've also been researching and planning our New York for New Years trip!! 

I haven't blogged about that yet have I? We decided to spend New Year's Eve in New York again this year! Sososofrickinfrackinhappy!! It's ridiculous isn't it, how happy it makes me? I'm pretty sure that it's not solely because of NY, it probably helped, but I finally feel okay again. I feel ready to lose weight again. (10lbs down so far!) I feel like keeping the house clean and organized isn't that overwhelming anymore. I feel like I'm finally over that blip in my marriage. I'm pretty fortunate to have such an amazing husband who helps me get through my weird phases. Even some friends have commented that I seem back to my happy funny chipper self, and the more I hear it, the more I realize that I am.

Yesterday I learned on Facebook that YET again, one of my friends is preggers. I also heard that an ex coworker has a 3 month old baby! I haven't blogged about the time I went to see the gynecologist for my infertility testing did I? Well, after a few questions she asked if Steph had been tested. I told her about the sperm analysis and what our family doctor had said. She went to her computer and pulled up the test results, and it turns out that we are not only dealing with motility issues (spinning vs swimming straight), but we're also faced with low sperm count. (2 million when they like to see 20 million.) So she handed me an in vitro brochure and told me to keep her posted with Steph's appointment with the urologist. (Which we've been waiting for an appt. date since July.)  So I think about our New York mini-vacay and think about how it would be impossible to do this if we had young kids. Maybe having a childless life isn't so bad after all. Seriously... I'm not just saying that. It honestly feels like I'm over the baby fever hump. You know I still want to have kids more than anything.. but if I can't.. maybe it's not so bad, never experiencing a pregNancy. Hearing about friends' pregnancies and attending their baby showers isn't so devastating anymore. My first discovered benefit of aging? Baby fever lessens...

The only blip right now? Again, I feel undeserving. Like I don't deserve to be happy. Why can't I just let myself be totally happy planning my mini-vacay to NY, especially when it's doing me THIS much good to me, instead of constantly thinking at the back of my mind : We could re-floor a room instead. We could put this money on debt. The dogs are going to miss us. We won't be spending new years eve with family (even though they go to bed at 10.), we already went for new years eve so we don't deserve to go again.. I gained too much weight back to go to New York until I lose it all back. etc etc etc.  I do this with everything. I feel like I never deserve good things or happiness.

I finished reading "Shrink Yourself - Free yourself from emotional eating forever." I don't feel like I learned anything new about emotional eating itself and how to stop it. (Just like I know how people run 5 miles.. I just can't do it.) But I do feel like I learned a lot more about the emotions behind my emotional eating. Do all of us obese people have messed up childhood and things we didn't know we were holding on to? There was a part about not feeling like a real adult, and feeling underserving of a real adult life and the things an adult life brings. I'm not alone? I guess that's something to work on...

But still... even though I feel like I don't deserve it and I feel guilty about it, I'm freakin' happy right now!