CrazyMrsNancy.com

I always PVR Oprah. On lazy days, I go through the recorded list and delete all the episodes with descriptions that I don't feel would add to my life. I'm sooo over that phase where I had to watch stuff on TV just because it was interesting. I remember when they added the FOX channel to our cable package, when I was a teenager. Oh My. My entire family, and almost everyone I knew, would spend hours on the couch watching the Jerry Springer marathons. We couldn't stop watching, it was crazy! The Maury Povich show, Montel Williams.. Wow, people are freaks! We're not so bad, all things considered... I don't know when it happened over the last few years, but I finally feel like I've seen enough! 

All that to say that over the past couple of years, I've been pretty fast on the PVR delete button. I hadn't watched an episode of Oprah in a really long time, actually. After a work discussion that somehow ended up broaching subjects like God,  weight loss and health, Wendy told me about the Oprah episode she had just watched : Women Food and God. I was sure that I had deleted it, but for some reason it was still there, on the PVR. The episode is not over, and I already placed a hold online for Women Food and God. This is a part that really resonated with me, and me rewinding it, and typing as much of it as I could while Oprah was saying it, because I want to remember. Here is bits and pieces, and no real interpretation on my part of how that really relates to me... Mostly because I feel like I've written a lot of password protected entries lately, and I don't want this to turn into a mostly private blog.

« What I was really feeling is : every time I have ever been beaten by my grandmother...

...Where you not only got a whipping, but at the end of the whipping, you weren't even allowed to say : That hurt.

"Take that pout out of your lips. You better not act like you are upset. You better shut your mouth and not remind me that I just whipped you."

...What I recognize, as I'm stuffing myself with the lettuce is:

I still have that feeling of "If I don't do what pleases the other person, then somehow that person has teh power to annihilate me."

...It's not just punishment, but my little girl's mind still feels like...

"If I don't do what you say, and I don't make you feel okay by operating by the way you want me to operate, I am somehow going to be destroyed."

That feeling is still there.

That's what the eating is all about.

That is what I believed.

In your book you say : When you were a little girl feeling those feelings, you had to protect yourself, by taking that position. But the thing to understand now is:

You will never be that small again. And that pain is done. It's over. And you are old enough to take care of yourself. »