You just never know when and where you're going to have an Ah-Ha moment. I had a big one tonight in my stylist's chair. I quite like my hair stylist; I would actually hang out with her outside of the salon. We have a lot of the same interests, values and views on life. She goes Salsa dancing every Saturday night at Bogart's, and she told me once that I should go too. I hope that I have the confidence to go too someday.
The two hours that it takes to highlight and cut my hair are spent talking our heads off, even though we hear about each other daily on Facebook. We just never run out of stuff to talk and laugh about. Tonight we were talking about summer, then friendships, family, and love. I was telling Michelle that I suck as a friend. She made a face and said "What do you mean, you're really friendly with me, we talk all the time!" It's not that, it's that I suck at replying to emails and conversations, keeping in touch regularly, sending birthday cards... that kind of stuff. Oh and most of all, I suck at comforting sad people. I can make them laugh, but saying apropriate, comforting things? I suck at that.
A few years ago, I admitted to myself that I suck at comforting people. Reacting in an appropriately positive way in a negative situation doesn't come naturally to me. My instinct is to react overly positive, most often resulting in my cracking jokes at inappopriate times. Until a few years ago, it was very hard for me to admit that fatness is not the only thing wrong with me. It was very hard for me to accept anyone's suggestions about anything, because that implied that something was wrong with me or my ideas. Because I had SUCH a BIG "in your face" flaw: obesity, I thought that I MUST strive to be perfect in every other single aspect of my life, to outweigh my big huge visible flaw. So it was a big thing for me to admit that I suck at comforting people, unless they are also comforted by music and laughter, like me.
Michelle told me that she's the exact same way. Then she says: "I think that I am this way because no one ever did it for me, you know? No one has ever really comforted me."
I can't explain what the Ah-Ha feels like. Maybe a little bit like, forgiving myself for sucking at comforting...
I also have a problem being comforting. I used to think I lacked a mothering instinct, but now that I am a mother I know that I don't have the problem with my children, I have the problem in my relationships. Maybe it is because I too wasn't comforted much as a child, or maybe it is just my personality. I would think if it were an upbringing thing it would show in how I deal with my children. Congratulations on your A-ha moment, and thanks for sharing it.
Chère Nancy,
Je ne suis pas d'accord avec le fait que tu ne sois pas là pour réconforter les gens. Je sais que nous ne sommes pas vraiment amie-amie mais je t'apprécie beaucoup. Tu es toujours là pour me remonter le moral sur mon blog. Chaque fois que tu m'envoie un petit mot, ça me fait sourire et me donne la force de continuer.
Je suis désolée par contre que personne ne soit là pour te réconforter à ton tour. Je peux le faire virtuellement mais ça ne vaut jamais un vrai "hug".
*big hug for you*
Chantal
I totally agree with Mindy and Melissa..."I'm Here" can be very powerful. Also, morbid humor can be very therapeutic, as long as it doesn't go too far too soon.
ITA with what Heather said. In addition, sometimes people who need comforting also need to laugh and makes jokes, so there is a time and place for your style of "comfort." Just because you don't do what some people may think of as "appropriate comforting" doesn't mean there's not still some value in making a sad person laugh.
But most of all, I'm glad you are coming to accept your "flaws." Being overweight too, I can understand what you mean by "I thought that I MUST strive to be perfect in every other single aspect of my life, to outweigh my big huge visible flaw"--I lived so much of my life with that feeling. Which is why I was (and sometimes continue to be) such a "people pleaser." I just want people to like me, and who could possibly like a "fat girl" if she's also a bitch...kwim? It's taken years to leave that behind.
*hugs*
Exactly!! Man we're weird aren't we? hehe
I guess a specific instance of comforting that I suck at is regarding people in mourning. My friend Sophie and her goddaughter, her dog, grandma, and Brittany with her grandfather, ex employer etc... It's so not the time to crack a joke.. but I don't know what to say. Maybe I should memorize a few hallmark cards...
I'm sorry you were never comforted. But - as a person often dealing with stuff - I would say the most comforting to hear, for me, is "I'm here."
I find this post really interesting. I can't say I've never been comforted, but I grew up in a family that wasn't nurturing or comforting, so I spent the hardest years of my life without it. I think my comforting style is just silence. I know I won't say the right thing, but I can listen and let them know that they're being heard. Often, in moments when someone needs to be comforted, there's nothing to say, anyway.
Makes sense to me...how are you to know how to do something when you've never been taught/shown?
Post new comment